finding my happy place

9 Sep

It’s been already, gosh, 5 weeks since school has started. The feeling that time has flown by while I can’t even name one significant thing that I’ve done really kills me. I could have written back to all the “hello” emails that some of my friends sent me, I could have been nicer to other people, I could have fallen madly in love (ok, this really isn’t me), I could have been… you know, a better person, a nicer person to myself. But here are some thoughts based on past couple of weeks.

So I made a lot of new friends. Yeah, new year, new people. Being an extrovert I am, I love making friends and learning about them. Or at least that’s how I have believed and how people perceive me. I have no doubt that I could have been overwhelming (my friend Matt said, “I would have loved to see how you weirded the Swiss people out” when I told him how much I like the new Swiss people at my school), but the point is, I really enjoy socializing.

But one thing I started to do recently is just observing people out of the circle, being a complete outsider for a minute. I would go to a bar with a bunch of people, and then I sit a bit away, and watch how people interact, how their expressions are like, and who they are with. I look a bit “out” of it when I do so, and someone usually comes to me and starts a conversation, saving me from the pathetic pariah position. But I guess they don’t know my intentions :).

I’m gonna be honest: it isn’t easy to do it, because of the person who I have been, to myself and to my friends. But it’s just a way of trying hard to become more comfortable with me just being me. The point is, I recently realized that I want to learn how to be alone or be around few people that I can just sit down and stare at my coffee cup without feeling weird at all. This thing, being alone and not feeling weird, hasn’t happened yet because I feel so insecure about being in silence with others. I heard that this is a typical “American” personality in social and negotiation situations. I unconsciously feel compelled to strike a chat  and be loud, trying too hard to continue a conversation that is going nowhere.

And one thing that confuses me is that I hate feeling alone whether I’m surrounded by a lot of people or I’m by myself. During my “bar experiments,” one thing I can’t stand is not the fact that people look at me I’m weird but the fact that I feel extremely lonely. The feeling that maybe this is not the place that I really belong to, although I pursue so hard to be a part of it. Just so many contradicting feelings I can’t help. I wanna be alone but I wanna be a part of it as well. What am I supposed to do?

The answer is of course, “deal with it.” There are so many of me that I don’t know about, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I wanna know what I love, what makes me happy, what I can do well, and what I can contribute to make my relationships with others worth it all.

And I thought I’d be able to figure this all out when I’m grown up. Now, here I am, standing in my mid-twenties, and I feel like a teenage emo queen who owns all the drama to herself.

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